Blind Date From Hell

Once, my homie girlfriend wanted to hook me up with her co-worker.  She told me, "She's a really nice girl and looking for a nice guy."   So I say what the hell, I have nothing to lose by simply getting to know this woman.   So I gets the number and I give her a call later that evening.   We hit it off immediately.  Probably talked for over two hours the first time.   We agreed that we wouldn't send pictures or look each other up on facebook until we'd seen each other.   Looking back on it, it was her idea.   I was kinda scared that she would be a fugly chick with 2 stomachs and 2 chins to match. 

So we talked everyday, for long periods of time for the entire week.  When we weren't talking, we were texting.  Saturday gets here and I have no plans, so I ask her out for a late lunch.  I'm remember being very nervous to meet her because I'd had a few blind date experiences, and they all turned out to be duds.  I was terrified that she would not be very attractive and that she would be weird.  I'll never forget how she pulled up to TGIF that Saturday afternoon.  I got there early in case she was a beast, so that I could just pull off and disappear.  She called me as she parked, telling me what car she was driving and that she had arrived.  She was driving a brand new car.  She stepped out, and it was like a music video or something.  Hair blowing in the faint wind, tight-fitted dress on her beautiful brown skin.  Wearing sunglasses and walking like a diva. 

I almost lost my composure as I stepped out of my SUV.  I had to get myself together, so I walked slowly at first into Fridays.  As I stepped in, I saw her seated at the bar.  I purposely took my time to let her get the table reservation.  Friday's was a packed house.  She came up to me and gave me the kind of hug you give a relative you don't like.  I did get close enough to smell her perfume.  I remember it smelling like unicorn tears and rainbows.  I was already a goner.

We sat down and exchanged pleasantries.  I asked her what she would like to drink.  She asked what I was drinking.  I ordered a Bonecrusher, and she said she would order the same.  I warned her that it was a very strong drink, but she said she was a big girl.  I shrugged.

For those unfamiliar with a Bonecrusher:
1/2 oz gin
1/2 oz vodka
1/2 oz triple sec
1/2 oz rum
1/4 oz grenadine syrup
1/4 oz Lime Juice
2 oz sweet and sour mix
1 oz Champagne

As we sat and talked about everything.  I noticed that she was kinda gulping the drink down.  I suggested that she should slow down, as we had already agreed to go to DC later that evening to go to a lounge.  Again, she told me she was a big girl and could handle herself.  Again, I shrugged.

The waitress comes over and tells us that our table was ready.  Immediately, I remembered the previous time I was at this Friday's.  We were seated at the same table I performed one of my famous Dine & Dashes.  It had been a few years and surely no one out remember me.  I laughed and told her about the Dine & dash when she asked why I was smirking.  We ordered food and she asked if I wanted another Bonecrusher.  I declined, and she said, "Pussy" in a stabbing tone.  So I ordered another and she did the same.  Again, I warned her that they could be dangerous, especially for a woman her size.  She laughed it off.  Halfway through the meal, she started giggling for no apparent reason.  I realized, this was the beginning of her being drunk.  She held it together long enough to order a third Bonecrusher.  I declined to have a third as I was buzzed. 

She told me she just got a text that one of her friends was about to perform her probate for the sorority she was pledging.  It wasn't too far away and she wanted to go, and wanted me to join her.  She asked for the check.  I was going to pay, but hell, if a woman is paying, I was letting her.  She gulps down the Bonecrusher and we depart.  She follows me to the auditorium the probate was at.  I see the homie and his girl that hooked us up as we walk in.  I realized, I hadn't told him we were going out.  He was surprised to see us there.  We sat in the back as the auditorium was filled. 

Halfway through the show, what appeared to be pledges from another sorority sat down at the end of our row.  She decides that she is going to talk to them.  The pledges ignore her.  I ask her "What the hell are you doing?" and she told me to mind my business.  I decided it was time to go.  I whispered to her that it's time to go and she bursts into laughter.  I took her hand and pulled her out.  She said she had to use the bathroom.  We couldn't find the woman's bathroom, so she said she would use the men's room.  I told her I would stand outside and wait.  She invites me in to make sure no one comes in. 

She uses the urinal.  I notice she sat all the way on the seat, and I thought to myself, that's weird and unsanitary.  She comes out and zips up to me, placing her hands on my face and starts drunk kissing me.  I didn't really kiss back, and I pushed her away as I realized she was putting her filthy, unwashed hands on my face.  She caught an attitude and stormed out of the bathroom, without washing her hands might I add.  I insinuated that she might be tipsy and she started yelling at me that she wasn't drunk.  She started walking towards the car so I followed.  I told her that I would no longer be going to DC.  She told me that she was still going, as she stumbled to her car. 

I text my homie and told him that he and his girl need to intervene.  They came out to the parking lot and tried to stop her from driving.  When he tried to tell her that she was in no condition to drive, she blurted "Fuck You Bitch!"  He laughed it off and said, "I'm going let you have that one because you're a woman."  Then tells her again that she shouldn't be driving.  We tried to come up with a plan of leaving her car and returning to get it the next day, but she declined.  So his girl offered to drive her car to her house and she said no.  Then he said, "Shorty, you gonna hurt yourself if your drive tonight."  She yelled, "FUCK YOU BITCH" at the top of her lungs.  His response was "Fuck You, Kill Yourself or Die Trying," grabbed his girl by the hands and told me to get home safe. 

She was laughing so hard she began to gag.  I asked her if she was sure she didn't want a ride home.  She told me that she was still going to DC and asked me if I was going.  I looked at her, sloppy drunk, still fine as hell.  Common sense took over and I said i was gonna pass.  She asked if I would escort her to the highway.  I obliged.  As we drove we passed a few stop signs and I was sure to look up to ensure that her drunk ass did not rear-end me.  When I got to the next to last stop sign, I looked back and didn't see her.  I wondered where she could possibly have went.  Then I see her coming from over the hill. 

As we are on the highway, I see her in the far left lane zoom past me.  I notice the passenger side of her car was badly damaged, the siding was dragging on the ground and the mirror was hanging off the car.  I try to call her, but my iPhone is acting stupid and the screen was black.  I started blowing my horn and waving, but she was too busy singing.  Her window was rolled down and I could hear her music blasting.  My exit came up and I decided I was going home.  It was already midnight and I had dealt with this foolishness for almost 5 hours already. 

My phone started ringing but I couldn't answer it.  I assumed it was her.  I pulled off the highway and checked my voicemail at a hotel.  She left a message but I couldn't hear her over the music.  So I thought it was a drunk dial and went home.  It took me about 30 minutes to get home, and my phone kept ringing.  I finally was able to check my voicemail.  She had left a message saying she was on 295 pulled over and the police were behind her.  My initial thoughts were that she was definitely getting a DUI.  I called her from my land line and she told me that she was in Overlea at a gas station. She told me the police won't ticket her if I came and picked her up.  She said she would be at a gas station and gave me the address.

I google the address and it's 30 miles away.  I was instantly pissed and my phone has not finished reinstalling.  I grabbed my laptop and ran out.  I'm flying down the highway, trying to make it to her.  It took me about 20 minutes to get to the 7-Eleven.  When I got there, she wasn't parked there anymore, and neither were the cops.  I went in to ask the attendant if he had seen her, and he said she just left, then he looked up and pointed to her car flying past the 7-Eleven is the opposite direction.  I asked if I could use the phone.  When I called her, I could here the drunkenness in her voice.  I asked where she was at.  She said she was near the Odenton Fire Station.  I pleaded with her to stay in that exact spot.  The 7-Eleven attendant told me where to go and I zipped there.  It was like 3 minutes away.  I pulled up and didn't see her car.  So I got out and went in.  I asked if I could use the phone.  When I called, she answered.  I asked, "Where the hell are you?"

She told me that she was at the other gas station in Odenton.  About 5 miles down the same street.  As I drive down, it's madness.  A few hole in the wall bars with drunken 20-somethings spilling out, 2 car accidents.  Once of the accidents was about 50 feet from the fire station, blocking access to the fire station.  I was concerned that she had crashed her car.  As I got closer, it was some other poor schmuck.  I asked a nearby officer if there was a way around the accident.  I had to drive a few miles back the other direction and hit an adjacent street to get to the fire station.  I finally arrived and she wasn't there.  I used the fire stations phone to call her and she was actually pulling up.

I walk outside and look at her car, beat to shit on the passenger side and she is completely oblivious.  She looked so trashed.  Hair all over, heel broken, looked like she had been crying.  I didn't feel bad at all. I just wanted to get home at this point.  She told me that she couldn't go home in her condition and asked if she could stay at my place.  Me, thinking this is code for, "She wants to Fuck," says, ok cool.  Even though we were 10 minutes from where she lived and 40 from where I lived.  So she is following me back to my place and driving at a snails pace.  Whenever I sped up, she slowed down, so i would slow down and she would speed up and almost hit me.  This occurred for the entire drive home.  She stopped to throw up twice.  I was sure she would be arrested or wrecked her car, again.  So finally, we arrive at my place, and we get to the door of my apartment building.  She asked what floor I lived on.  I told her the 4th floor.  Then all of a sudden, she conveniently starts to stumble like she can't walk.  Part of me wanted to punch her in the face, but a small part of me really though I was gonna smash.

So, I carry her upstairs.  I'm not gonna It was a struggle carrying her up those steps, but I was going to the promised land, so it was worth it.  I finally get to the top, and she is now able to walk...How fucking convenient.  We go in and she asks for a t-shirt to sleep in.  I go in the bedroom to get the t-shirt and come out.  She is facedown, on the couch.  I tried to wake her up, but she was dead in a coma.  I gave up after trying several times.  I said fuck it and went to bed.

Woke up early about 2 hours later, the sun was already up.  I went to check on her.  This chick has thrown up on my carpet, and make-up smeared all over my new couch.  I yell "What the fuck!"  She jumps up out of her sleep.  I handed her the resolve and pointed to the couch and floor.  I was livid.  I could have fought this chick.  She cleaned everything up.  She then asked, "What's for breakfast?"  I just looked at her.  I think she took the hint and reached for her coat.

Being a gentleman, I walked her to her car.  As we walk toward her car, she sees that it has been damaged,  She looked at me and asked who hit her car.  I told her the guard rail.  She looked confused.  I didn't feel like even trying to explain anything to her.  In fact, she'll probably read this and it will be the first time she even finds out what happened that night.  I told her that I didn't know.  I gave her a half hug and told her to be careful on her way home.  She actually asked, "Can we do this again sometime?"  She actually asked that...

Apparently, I didn't learn my lesson, because I actually went out with her again, but that's another story for another time...